Sunday, August 15, 2010, 11 am
Man, its really a good thing that I was already an anxious, loud, awkward, observant, socially active, angry, inappropriate person before I came here, because I certainly am exhibiting those traits now. Sometimes it surprises me when I refer to a man with female pronouns or trip on the sidewalk or wear a shirt with a giant stain or pour sauce all over my shoes, but then I realize: I’ve been this crazy my entire life. Who cares if I’m doing it in Spanish, in front of 25 of my peers and 1.5 million strangers watching me from the windows of their bus? It’s completely fine to be the strange person in the room, the looked at one on the bus, the only kid asking questions or staying silent. I’m not screaming in the middle of the road or anything, but I am fighting the urge to just stick with my gringoschool buddies, to dress perfectly and not crack jokes. I’m angry and dirty and the stains show through any tank-top sweater combo I can fit around my belly.
I don't feel liberated, but I feel strong. I feel like pushing something heavy for a long time. I’ll need to massage my shoulders after a day of that, but that seems a good trade off, getting to understand how my pain works, while I work to make things better.
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